I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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