FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
