There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Where is the hickey?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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