I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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