Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
