another moral hangover. fuck.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
