I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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