I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
