Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
