It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
