I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
