I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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