I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
