Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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