just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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