what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
