I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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