My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
