Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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