Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
