she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
