Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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