One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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