On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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