i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
