the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
