Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
