Don't make out with my wife yet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My bed smells like the plague
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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