Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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