Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
