The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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