I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
