i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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