My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
