haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
