I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I need a beard to bite.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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