Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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