i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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