I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
