i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
