then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
