I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
