Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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