There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
