I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
