So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
