watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
tell me about the eggs
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
