I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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