strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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