I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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