I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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