Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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