Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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