Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
cat food counts as protein by the way
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
