Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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