I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
