Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
