Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
