I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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