Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
